bike snob

(Vespa and Ghost Bike in Park Slope, Brooklyn)

I'm not the sort of person who makes New Year's resolutions.  Frankly, I think they're pointless.  Actually, they're a lot like white bar tape in that they might seem like a good idea but in practice they only last a couple of weeks before getting sullied.  However, many people persist in thinking that they can change themselves after a night of heavy drinking.  And if you're a folk singer whose resolution is to become a bike messenger in 2009, you're in luck:

Messenger Bike and Lock for Acoustic Guitar or best offer - $80 (Midtown)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-12-28, 8:57PM EST

Messenger bike for sale or trade. Bike needs new pedal and possibly tires that aren't bald. Comes with pretty tuff lock. I used this bike as a messenger for a few days. Brakes work fine. Steers well. Did the job, but didn't want to throw any more money into fixing it. Good deal if you have some pedals lying around and know how to work on bikes. Take a look at the picture as what you see is what you get. I bought the bike for $60 and the lock for $50 this december on craigslist. Lock is solid. Chain is a little short, but I always found a place to lock it up. You might like this bike. Let me now. Thanks.
It would appear that this person spent a few days as a messenger, only to decide that he (or she) is better suited to the life of a folkie.  I love a good lifestyle swap, and I'm heartened by the notion that as 2009 rolls in so will a new messenger, while at the same time a freshly-minted folk singer will hop a freight train and roll on out.  I'd also love to be present at the exchange, since it very well could prove to be an historical one.  After all, we are in the midst of a recession, and the timing couldn't be better for a new Woodie Guthrie or Bob Dylan.
Indeed, the times may be a-changin', but some things never change, and I'm confident that in 2009 you'll still be able to buy expensive secondhand Pistas.  Like this one:



Custom Bianchi Pista - $750 (Chelsea)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-12-29, 12:23PM EST

Frame: Bianchi Pista 55cm
Custom Painted Gloss White

Fork: Chrome threded 43mm Rake

Headset: Tange Threaded Custom Polished

Stem: Nitto Jaguar Steel 90mm

Handlebar: Nitto B123 Steel 37cm
Cateye NOS Cloth Tape Brown

Crank: Sugino RD Track Cranks 165mm

Chainring: TA Specialties 48t 1/8"

Bottom Bracket: Sugino 68x103 Sealed Bearing

Pedals: MKS Sylvan Track
MKS Steel Toe Clips w/ Leather Cover
MKS Toe Straps

Chain: KMC S10 1/8 Track Chain

Cog: Shimano Dura Ace 16t Cog and Lockring

Seatpost: Kalloy 27.0

Saddle: NOS Turbo Brown Suede

Wheel: Formula Hubs 32H Solver
Sun MA13II Rims Double Wall High Polished
DT Spokes with Alloy Nipples

Tires: Vittoria Rubino 700x23c Black/Black

http://velospace.org/node/15976

Bikes was assembled over the span of the summer. Well over $1300 invested, was never ridden and still resides at the bike shop where I work as a mechanic. Due to a recent move I can not have this bikes in my apt. My loss is your gain.

The only flaw is a small dent in the top tube due to the handlebars
but hardly noticable because of the paint.

Email if you would like to come by to see the bike.
$750 may seem like a lot for a used Pista--even if it's been upgraded and supposedly hasn't been ridden.  However, keep in mind the seller has somehow spent $1,300 dollars on it.  This is a frightening sum, and it's hard to see where the money went.  I suppose some of it went into the custom white paint job, which is kind of like paying extra at a restaurant to have the flavor removed from your food.  He would have been better off wrapping the frame with 1,300 singles and clear-coating it.
Fortunately, if you feel like going down to Washington, DC, you can spend a little more than half that for a little more than half a Pista:



Biachi Pista Respectable remains of a bike jacking - $400 (Dupont Circle/Adams Morgan)
Reply to: [deleted}
Date: 2008-12-29, 9:22PM EST

One moment of thoughtlessness and my bike's now half gone. After moving from Boston to DC, I don't have as much use for it now, so I'm passing on what's left instead of fixing it up. What was stolen is the fork, front wheel, bull horn handlebars, pedals and a front brake. I actually have the headset--I replaced the original when I first got the bike bc the guy who sold it to me forgot to ship the part with the bike. He mailed it out later and now I have it to toss in. The condition of what remains I'd put at a 6 or 7. Most notably, there's some superficial rust damage on the chain and back bolts. I never left it out in the rain and generally wiped it down, so I'm confident that this is just surface stuff. The picture's kinda crummy, so I'll add that the Pista striped logo was removed by the previous owner and replaced with a eagle on the bottom bar. The eagle decal is pretty weathered/worn down. There's also a sticker on the front. Wheel is in good shape. For dimensions I've measured the inside of the frame: vertical bar: 19" horizontal bar: 20.5" bottom bar: 23.5" I can provide more and better images upon request. Thanks for your interest!

$400 negotiable...really negotiable.
I have to admit I'm impressed that the thief actually took the time to cherry-pick the bike the way he did.  I suppose removing the entire front end is just a matter of unbolting the stem and top cap, but the fact that he also took the time to swipe the pedals is unusual.  This Pista was less a victim of "jacking" than it was of embezzlement.  Of course, it is DC, so maybe the thief was a politician.
In any case, December 31st is more than just the last day of 2008.  It's also the last day for submissions to The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (presented by Boston Whaler Boats--The Unsinkable Legend).  And just in case you've forgotten what's at stake, let me remind you that the winner will receive: a pie plate; a beer cozy-elk's tooth combo pack; a Fyxomatosis chainring; a Boston Whaler decal; and some crappy t-shirt for a booby prize.
Speaking of boobies, I've been so inspired by the photos I've received that I've decided to submit my own.  I hereby present to you the "Spoke Breast:"

The bicycle in the photo does not belong to me, but I will neither confirm nor deny ownership of the novelty mammary or the paper umbrella.  If this image is causing your most recent meal to retreat back up your alimentary canal and eject itself onto your keyboard, perhaps this sepia version will be more agreeable to you:



Naturally, though, I'm not eligible to win my own contest.  (Nor, as the cycling world's worst photographer, am I even capable.)  Another person ineligible to win (despite being an accomplished photographer) is Andy of Fyxomatosis, who has also sent a submission:

It appears this model has incorrectly placed his novelty mammaries beneath his frock instead of in his spokes where they belong.

On the other hand, this submission (via the proprietors of this blog) is extremely eligible, and I must say it's got an excellent shot at the prize:


Most of these submissions are also eligible, and I present them in no particular order:


Eligible (despite having been taken 20 years ago);



Eligible (and considerate--wearing your wheels to bed totally makes the sheets all gritty);




Eligibility status pending (as this has apparently also appeared on Fyxomatosis) though in any case worthy of honorable mention; 



Eligible (and perhaps the most achingly beautiful plate photo ever taken);




Eligible (and crotchal);

Eligible (yes, that is a Cannondale track bike mounting a Giant mountain bike as a Trek road bike looks away with a Mavic wheel bag over its eyes in a vain effort to pretend it isn't happening);



Eligible (and some of the finest coiffures I've seen outside of Hairy Situations in Austin);


Eligible (and a refreshing lo-fi alternative to Prolly's Merckx porn);



Eligible (and an excellent use of the Washington Monument's phallic properties);


And eligible (though I think that water's photoshopped).

If your submission has not appeared, this does not mean it is not under consideration, or that it won't appear at a later date.  It may simply be due to the fact I haven't had a good look at it yet.  But rest assured I will be donning my judging smock in the coming days, and in due course will announce a winner.  In the meantime, I will be donning my drinking smock (a Hefty lawn and leaf bag in which I've made head and arm holes) and staying as far from Times Square as possible.  In the meantime, enjoy the holiday.  I'll be gone as of the typing of the period at the end of this sentence, and will return on Monday, January 5th with regular updates. 

In many ways, my holiday recess was unremarkable.  As I do every year, I constructed my seasonal altar, which consists of a rotating dais atop which I place a Christmas tree, a Menorah, a Kwanzaa kinara, a Festivus pole, and a few Hanukkah bushes which serve as underbrush and give the whole thing that lush, bucolic feel.  Then, I put on my favorite holiday-themed album: Twisted Sister's "A Twisted Christmas."  By this point the air in my home is so thick with seasonal spirit that it's enough to make you choke.  (The cloying stench from the "Glistening Snow" Glade Plug-Ins I place in every single household outlet also help.)  Since I can hardly breathe, I then use an electric air pump to inflate the pool, which I fill with egg nog.  Finally, my friends, family, and loved ones (this amounts to two people) arrive for the traditional nog wrestling.  The whole thing's over by 8:30, leaving the rest of the evening free for me to clean up and watch Werner Herzog movies ("Aguirre, the Wrath of God" is my "It's a Wonderful Life") while consuming the rest of the egg nog.
But in one crucial way, this year was much different than years past, because I got a present:


I plan to share this present with you in the coming days, but right now I'm still sitting under the shadow of my Holi-dais in my pajamas amidst the various packing materials and making "vroom-vroom" noises like a child who's just opened a gleaming new toy fire truck.
Speaking of bizarre behavior, it would appear that VeloNews technical editor Lennard Zinn has finally gone crazy:


Protecting stored bikes
Dear Lennard,
I am storing two of my three high end bikes for the winter months (a 
2008 Cervelo SLC-SL and a Specialized Tarmac SL). The third I 
will be letting the Northeastern winter weather take its toll on 
while continuing to ride in the elements.

Is it prudent to apply a light 
sheen/coat of some type of oil or wax to the bikes — saddle, tires, chain, the carbon, the works — before storing them? My main 
goal is to preserve their bright color and shine, prevent 
rust and oxidation, and keep the tires from cracking and/or dry rot. Also, these bikes are stored hanging from the wall by their saddles.
Neither is over 15 pounds; both hang with their front ends maybe one and a half feet lower than the rear. Does
this put any undue strain on the frames?
Maurice

Dear Maurice,
If I had your concerns, I would cover the frame, fork, saddle, tires and bar tape with 303 ProtectantThat will protect the leather, rubber and clear coat. For the metal parts, I guess you could put oil all over them, but it seems like it will be gummy with dust next spring. I'd be more inclined to use soft car wax. And don't worry about hanging the bike by the wheels; it won't hurt your frame.
Lennard

Lennard's advice to Maurice on winter bike storage is irresponsible at best, and potentially fatal at worst.  First of all, Maurice does not specify the make and model of the third bicycle he will continue to ride this winter, but no matter what it is if you're going to make a sacrificial lamb of any bicycle in your fleet you should always choose the Specialized.  Pampering a Tarmac over the winter is like putting a two liter bottle of Dr. Pepper in your wine cellar.
Secondly, everybody knows you should never hang a bicycle by its wheels.  The bicycle wheel is one of the universe's greatest mysteries.  It is a rolling paradox and a structure that defies the very laws of physics.  While it is perfectly capable of carrying both bicycle and rider over all types of surfaces*, it will fail catastrophically if used to support the weight of the bicycle alone in a hanging scenario.  If you must hang your bicycle, suspend it by the frame only using fishing line.  Be sure to use multiple lines anchored at various points of the frame, and make sure the bicycle itself is completely level, as the slightest tilt can allow lubricants to collect and pool at the bicycle's lowest point.
*Unless it's a pre-built wheel from Mavic, in which case it will explode.
Also, it is essential that the wheels are kept turning constantly, since if they aren't the bearings will dry out and seize.  I am working on a motorized wheel turner specifically for this purpose, but until then the best thing to do is keep a high-powered fan trained on the bike at all times.  This will slowly turn the wheels, and will also keep dust from alighting on the bicycle.  (Dust is not only unsightly, but it can also destroy your bicycle's finish, which is why bike mechanics refer to it as "the silent killer.")  This will also obviate the use of any waxes or oils, which can eat through your carbon fiber frame over time.  (You should also never use oil and wax on your chain, since it can erode your chain stay.  Instead, you should only lube the chain of your carbon fiber bicycle with powdered graphite.)  To prevent tire dry rot, spray them with water every three days.  Use a spray bottle set to "mist."  Be sure to carefully dry the rest of the bicycle with a piece of soft cloth immediately after spraying to prevent corrosion.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, make sure to work your way through the gears at least once a week.  Failing to do so can cause the cables and derailleurs to seize.  Moreover, while not in use you should always keep the drivetrain in the small/small combo, as this places the least amount of tension on the derailleur springs.  Allowing the derailleurs to rest for prolonged periods in any other position will wear them out prematurely.
Sure, all of this is much more time-consuming than actually riding the bike, but anybody who's ever simply left a bike in a corner for a couple of months knows that it's no way to store a bike and that it will collapse upon itself in short order.
But when it comes to collapsing, there's one thing that isn't collapsing at all, and that's the fixed-gear trend.  Indeed, the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse is still a long way off, since a reader informs me that Seattle's alternative weekly The Stranger has pronounced the fixed-gear trend dead:
Everybody knows that the opinions expressed in alternative weeklies are worth the price of the papers themselves, and since these alternative weeklies are generally free then their opinions are worth nothing.  Furthermore, The Stranger obviously doesn't do much fact-checking, because if they did they'd know that the people responsible for the fixed-gear fad generally don't ride their bikes at all; instead, they customize them and pose with them for photographs.  I mean, all they have to do is look at "Rain City Fix," which was made right in their backyard!  Just take a look at the video.  I doubt anybody broke a sweat, much less a bone.

Then again, it's entirely possible that The Stranger is being ironic.  After all, it is an alternative paper, and irony is the new sincerity.  Just ask Cadel Evans, who's apparently "dropped" a new ironic energy bar, a picture of which was forwarded to me by a reader:

This energy bar is as packed full of irony as it is nutrients, since it shows Cadel wearing the yellow jersey next to the word "Winners."  (Though in fairness to Cadel the packaging probably depicts his 2006 Tour de Romandie win and not some imaginary overall Tour de France victory.)  I wanted to learn more about Cadel's foray into food, so I employed a popular search engine, which led me to this:



Cadel raises the bar
RECENTLY returned to Oz and now hanging out in Barwon Heads with his wife Chiara, Cadel Evans continues to explore methods of gaining an edge on his rivals before his fifth Tour de France in 2009. Earlier this year he was keen to join forces with a company specialising in nutrition so he could learn more about it. Before he could say "yellow jersey", Winners, a Richmond-based mob that has previously teamed up with Collingwood, offered Evans the chance to help out with an energy bar recipe. And so it came to pass that "Cadel's Mountain Mix" hit shelves of major Australian supermarkets complete with Evans' head on it. Email correspondence between Evans (while he was still competing this year and based in Europe) and the manufacturer led to a creation of oats, cranberries, currents and peanuts. The addition of the nuts (full of revastrol they tell us) is being called "interesting" by the bar manufacturers. It came about after some French research showed that mice supplemented with revastrol were found to have energy-charged muscles, low heart rates and could run twice as far as mice that were not supplemented.
Frankly, I'm not impressed.  Firstly, if the French really want to see some fast mice, they should give them drugs, not peanuts.  Secondly, Cadel's energy bar only has four measly ingredients.  Thirdly, it's cruel to perform tests on mice, even if those tests simply involve feeding them peanuts.  My food product, on the other hand, isn't tested on any animals, and it also has a whole paragraph full of crap in it.  Yes, that's right.  It is my distinct pleasure to announce my new BSNYC/RTMS Energy Substance:



The BSNYC/RTMS Energy Substance is gloppy in consistency, which means it's halfway between a food and a beverage.  You can keep it in your water bottle (thin it with olive oil for best results) or in your jersey pocket, whichever you prefer.  (Squeeze packets will be available.)  My substance will give you the energy you need to stay right in the bloated middle of the pack.  And speaking of bloated middles, just check out these ingredients:


Ingredients: Water, cream, parmesan and romano cheese (part-skim milk, cheese cultures, salt, enzymes), butter (cream, salt), soybean oil, modified corn starch, sherry wine, enzyme modified egg yolks, salt, sugar, whey (milk), autolyzed yeast extract, disodium phosphate, xanthan gum, garlic powder, spices, natural flavors.
As you can see, the BSNYC/RTMS Energy Substance contains everything you need to get you through that grand tour, charity ride, or morning commute.  It sticks to your ribs like Cadel sticks to the wheel in front of him.  It also goes great with linguine, and even makes a fantastic tire sealant.  

Lastly, before I run off to play with my new present, I'd like to remind you one last time that tomorrow marks the deadline for The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Parody Contest (presented by Boston Whaler Boats--The Unsinkable Legend.)  I'll be back tomorrow to share the latest submissions with you, and to wish you a very meh-rry new year.

With the holidays upon us, it is now time for me to don my black skinsuit, slither into my teardrop-shaped aero coffin, fold my hands over my chest, and have my longtime Polish soigneur Thadeusz carefully tighten the Allen bolts on the coffin's carbon fiber lid (with a torque wrench, of course), thus sealing me in until this whole unfortunate mess is over.  (I will stress though that it's a coffin and not a recumbent!  The wheels are simply to help Thadeusz roll me into the basement.)  So this means I'll be signing off as of today.  However, I will be back on Tuesday, December 30th to remind you once again of the contest deadline (see yesterday's post) as well as to administer a general upbraiding.
In the meantime, I'd like to take you on a short virtual tour of New York City, which at the moment is cold and icy.  I'm still trying to figure out a practical way to render a "scratch and sniff" blog post, but until I do you'll just have to make do with audio.  (It is New York City, though, so if you want the full sensory experience you could always try reading this in the bathroom.):
Here is the Manhattan Bridge bike path (looking towards Manhattan), which the city could not be bothered to clear.  To experience what it was like to ride walk across it yesterday evening:
1) Launch a new browser window;2) Play this;3) Minimise the window;4) Stare at the photo.

For the not-safe-for-work version, say the "f-word" repeatedly while you watch.  Also, it's interesting to note that cyclists in New York rarely greet each-other while riding; however, they do wave and say hello when they're pushing their bikes on foot.  New Yorkers are only friendly under duress.

Once you arrive in Manhattan, the streets themselves are clear and thus perfectly rideable.  However, the city did take pains to make sure any protected bike lanes remained uncleared.  Here's one that is a block of ice.  I present to you two ways to virtually enjoy this bike lane:
1) The Sincere Way
1) Launch a new browser window;2) Play this;3) Minimize the window;4) Stare at the photo.
2) The Ironic Way
1) Launch a new browser window;2) Play this;3) Minimize the window;4) Stare at the photo.


New Yorkers have weathered financial crises, terrorist attacks, blackouts, poor performances by their professional sports teams, and draconian trans fat laws.  However, one thing we can't seem to weather is weather.  The sort of light dusting of snow that would hardly compel a Minnesotan to change out of his or her bikini is enough to halt our subways, cause massive vehicular pile-ups, and drive people into their homes with the Sunday Times and a week's supply of bagels.  And forget about riding bicycles.  Of course, the upside of this weather-wussiness is there's plenty of bike parking at those new sheltered bike racks, which you can't even get anywhere near on a nice day.  (And the bikes that you do see have obviously been there since June, when their owners came to their senses and moved back to Marin or wherever everyone in New York seems to be from these days.)  Here's what it was like at the one in Union Square yesterday evening:
1) Launch a new browser window;2) Play this;3) Minimize the window;4) Stare at the photo.

Yes, people visiting New York for the first time are often surprised by how much it sounds like a swamp.  (They do expect the swampy smell though.)


Having finished my business in town, I returned to Brooklyn.  Since the Manhattan Bridge was frozen solid and I was unable to purchase a pair of studded tires at the Whole Foods in Union Square (I was instead thrown out after I smashed a jar of gourmet chutney in a fit of anger) I decided to try my luck with the Brooklyn Bridge.  While that too was a mess, it was at least rideable, since tourists are more important than cyclists so the city actually bothered to put down some salt.  (Richard Sachs is building me a custom lugged bicycle-mounted salt spreader, but I won't have it for another seven years.)  Here's what it was like on the bridge:
1) Launch a new browser window;2) Play this;3) Minimize the window;4) Stare at the photo.

All things considered, it could be a lot worse here in New York for us cyclists.  Sure, nobody clears our bike lanes, but at least the police don't rock/run Aerospokes:


Penultimately, before I go I'd also like to put on my trend-forecasting hat (it's the one with the propeller on top) and declare that the hot new fixed-gear component for 2009 is going to be wooden handlebars, as you can see here:

We've seen these before, and it's nice to see another builder following suit.  Oddly-shaped wooden bars are a perfect choice for the dilettante fixed-gear rider since they: 1) don't allow for brake levers; 2) don't allow for grips; and 3) have the potential to splinter before you ride hard enough to actually need a brake anyway.  Sure, I know many people tout the strength of wood, and I'm sure there are people out there who will explain that a well-built wooden handlebar is more than strong enough for this application, and that wood has served us well as a building material for thousands of years, and that the Amish flew to the moon and back in a wooden spaceship, and so forth.  Well, that all may be, but I still don't buy it.  Retrogrouchery is one thing, but primitivism is something else entirely.  Plus, I visited this guy's website and noticed a disturbing inconsistency:


Having a handmade handlebar and a pre-built Cane Creek wheel on the same bike is like making your own pie crust and then stuffing it full of Jell-O.  Furthermore, if this person expects his customers to trust wood as a material, he should display some real confidence in it himself by using other wooden components as well, such as wooden rims.  Actually, the only way he could really convince me that he truly believes wood is strong enough for cycling would be if he were prepared to put his money where his crotch is by using a wooden seatpost.
Until then, I'm not buying--even if he does eventually offer a beaver-chewed finish option:


By the way, speaking of beavers, it's worth noting that this photograph is one of the few that is actually more obscene in sepia, since in this case the sepia tone serves to highlight the double entendre:



Lastly, before I take off my trend-forecasting hat and seal myself in my carbon fiber sarcophagus until the 30th, I'd like to share this bold new innovation from Toronto, which comes courtesy of a reader:

Fixed gear bike. - $500 (Annex)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-12-20, 9:46PM EST

I put this bike together just a few weeks ago. Fresh paint, new chain, pedals, wheels/cog/lock ring. It rides very very quietly and smooth. The horn is incredibly annoying and awesome.

It's like aroma therapy in a cup.

If you'd like more photos or have questions just email me. Asking $500. (very negotiable)



A Reverse-Mounted Brake Lever (RMBL) and a Fork-Mounted Bulb Horn (FMBH) are both signs that, when it comes to fixed-gear innovation, it may take more than just some beaver-chewed bicycle components to compete with our neighbors to the north.  I'm not sure what the Canadian dollar is worth these days, but I'm also not sure it matters since this disaster isn't worth 500 units of any currency on Earth.  (And that includes the wood shavings left behind by beavers and traded for goods and services by certain indigenous peoples in parts of North America.) 
At any rate, many thanks as always for reading and for commenting.  (I'm flattered by all comments, even the negative ones.  They're like presents beneath the spiky, toxic evergreens of bitterness that are my posts.)  Ride safe, and see you on December 30th.

--BSNYC/RTMS

If you're a cyclist, you're almost certainly moved by the above image. Part bicycle, part recumbent, a dash of paddle boat, a pinch of baby carriage, and all class, the PPV represents a vehicular might-have-been, and this ad is a glimpse into the past which paradoxically reveals to us a future that sadly did not come to pass.  Sure, some might consider this a bullet dodged or at best an evolutionary dead end, but the fact is that the PPV deftly combines the advantages of a car (couples can sit abreast for mutual crotchal access) with those of a bicycle (uses no gas, makes you sweaty).  Of course, it also does away with the speed and relative efficiency of both, but that's a small price to pay.  In an alternate reality this strange sidecar without a motorcycle very well might have become the dominant form of transportation, just as Steve Guttenberg might have become more successful than Tom Hanks, or Joe Piscopo might have reigned supreme over Eddie Murphy, or Campagnolo Icarus might have reduced Shimano XTR to an historical footnote.
Tragically though, in our reality bicycles and cars have come together in a much more objectionable way.  Instead of groovy people doing groovy things to each-other at slow speeds beneath the dashboards of their groovy PPVs, we have this:

I suppose it's only natural that the car customization subculture would merge with the fixed-gear subculture.  After all, both are about doing cartoonish things to your ride that make it look fast but actually slow it down.  Still, it's tremendously disappointing to see bicycles mixed up in something like this--it's kind of like seeing a really smart person from high school turn up in a porno film.  And even worse than seeing bicycles alongside customized Civics is seeing them alongside Ruckus scooters.  That's like seeing the smart person from high school in the porno film getting mounted by a small animal after the human actors have finished.  By the way, you'll note at the bottom of the flyer that they need models for this wretched event.  So if you have a tramp stamp and are interested in dating the sorts of people who are really into speakers, have Bluetooth headsets grafted to their ears, and still live with their parents so they can afford the lease on a BMW then be sure to drop them an email.
So now that fixed-gears and customized cars are cozying up under the same giant flat-brimmed cap of cultural vapidity, the next step can only be that bicycles will become just another vehicular accessory.  In addition to ground effects and a rear wing the custom "whip" will be incomplete without a Yakima rack, a few fixed-gear freestyle bikes on the roof, and some spare decorative Aerospokes in the wheel forks.  Now that gas is getting cheap again and the car dealerships are desperate, I have no doubt we're on the cusp of a horrible future where people drive around our nation's cities, roll up under the elevated expressway, circle the wagons, crank up the sound systems, unload their bicycles, and "session" vigorously for an hour or two before re-racking them and hitting the nearest Wendy's.  (Though I suppose this isn't all that different from what freeriders do already.)

And I guess we're not too far from that as it is:


Hey, don't get me wrong.  As I've said before, there's nothing wrong with owning both bikes and cars.  There's also nothing wrong with using your car to transport your bike.  (Or, if you drive a Smart, with using your bike to transport your car.)  However, there is something slightly incongruous about driving around with a bicycle as ostensibly urban as a brakeless fixed-gear strapped to your trunk.  It's a little bit like having your parents drive you into the city so you can do some graffiti.  I wonder if that Subaru is also brakeless.
Of course, while some fixed-gear riders are cozying up to cars, others are becoming increasingly antagonistic towards them.  Indeed, one of the few things fixed-gear riders share in common these days is the desire to seem tough.  I was shocked and appalled to learn of a fixed-gear bias attack that recently took place in Atlanta:


I had to do a four-hour DJ gig that night at a bar in midtown full of young professionals, so I got back to my apartment (sampson street, studio disco, old fourth ward) at maybe 330 or 4am.
As I tried to turn into my parking lot, there were a group of guys drinking and doing trackstands etc. in my parking lot. It took a long minute or two for them to move so that I could get to my parking spot 50ft. away from where they were. Evidently I grazed one of them. I didn't feel anything as I rode by them, but when I parked my car I was surrounded by guys bashing out my windows/headlights/mirror etc. When I got out of the car I was then attacked, and the individuals demanded money from me. At this point I didn't even know I hit anyone- I thought these guys were just robbers. I took a few punches from the guys before realizing what was going on.

Serious props to the guy that HIT ME IN THE HEAD WITH A U-LOCK as I tried to head around the corner of my building.
The only thing more pathetic than a bunch of adults drinking and riding their bikes around in a parking lot is a bunch of adults doing so at 4:00am.  Furthermore, no matter what type of cyclist you are and no matter how ridiculous you think all other types of cyclists are, I think we can all agree that one of the greatest things about the bicycle is the freedom of mobility it provides.  To then squander this freedom by riding around in a parking lot is like saving your virginity until you're 30 only to give it away in a public restroom for $19 and a pack of Juicy Fruit.  For all the times I've been enraged to the point of physical violence by drivers telling me I don't belong on the road, this is one time when such a driver would actually be right.  Why would anybody want to be in a parking lot on a bicycle?  Why would anybody want to be in a parking lot at all?  Even drivers don't want to be in parking lots.  They park their cars and they get out.  Parking is the worst part of driving, and not having to park is the best part of cycling.  Unless you're either having a clandestine meeting with Bob Woodward or turning tricks for Juicy Fruit after having been kicked out of bathroom at Wendy's, stick to the roads. 
But fixed-gear riders (and of course triathletes) aren't the only cyclists guilty of unwarranted acts of aggression.  Even cyclocrossers can get excessively cross.  By now you've no doubt read about the recent brawl at Cyclocross Nationals that resulted in a bunch of damaged Richard Sachs bikes:


I can't help but think that this event was staged and that these bikes were targeted specifically.  In the movies when there's a car chase they always make straight for the fruit stand or the crates full of chickens for maximum damage and visual effect.  Similarly, here the participants wound up in a pile of handmade custom bikes instead of falling onto some of the Redlines or Jamises (Jami?) or Surlys that were doubtless also in the vicinity.    I mean, this was a 'cross race.  It's not like a road race where you can't blow a snot rocket without hitting a $6,000 bike.  Sure, it was a National Championship, but it's still remarkable.  Plus, when you factor in all the pit bikes, at a cyclocross race you've actually got at least a 50% chance of falling on a crappy bicycle.  I only hope Richard Sachs figures out that the whole Jonathan Page heckling thing was just a red herring.

I also hope Sachs was smart enough to equip his bikes with Crankskins:
Sure, they wouldn't have protected those fancy Joe Bell paint jobs, but they at least would have protected those crank arms.  And really, when it comes to bicycle components only your actual pedal surface is less worth protecting.  Because nothing says "I ride my bike" like a scuffed crank arm, and that's something you don't want to tell the world.  These should be a tremendous hit with the fixed-gear riders, who can finally customize their cranks to match their Scions.
Lastly, it appears that the only way I'm going to stem the tide of submissions to the Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Parody Contest (presented by Boston Whaler Boats--The Unsinkable Legend) is to set a firm deadline.  And that deadline is December 31st, 2008.  After that, I will choose a winner who will receive not only the pie plate, and the beer cozy, and the elk's tooth, and the chainring, and the smock (if you want it), but also a genuine Boston Whaler decal, courtesy of Bluenoser:



But be warned--if you've got a boat in need of a decal, you're facing some stiff competition.  And I mean crank arm stiff.  Like this one, from Erik K:


Sure, Erik says he's submitting only on the condition that he be ineligible to actually win the contest, but that was before he knew about the decal.

There's also this one from another highly-valued commenter:


As well as this literal take on the ordinarily not-safe-for-work Teabags on Top Tubes, in which the Earl and the Lady are getting down (albeit with strings quite literally attached):


And of course this one, which puts the "seepage" in sepia:

If nothing else, these should underscore the importance of using Crankskins at all times.

We may be on the tinsel-festooned cusp of the holiday season (as well as all the depression and misanthropy it entails), but lest you find yourself tempted to embark on some kind of Zabriskie-esque nog-fueled bender I've prepared a quiz in the hopes that sobriety and knowledge will prevail. As always, read the question, swish it around in your mind like you're savoring a fine nog, and click on your answer. If you're right, you'll see either the item or some other kind of affirmation. If you're wrong, you'll see some guy in pajamas running over a bicycle helmet with a pickup truck.

See you next week, and ride safe.


--BSNYC/RTMS



1) What are "Bar Mitts?"

--A new way to keep your hands warm while cycling
--What you get when you drink too much and get all touchy-feely
--A malapropism for "varmints"
--A Jewish rite of passage undergone by males at 13 years of age



2) This is the "hippest fixie in town." Which town?

--Raleigh, NC
--Oakland, CA
--Austin, TX
--Portland, OR



3) P-fars are to wine as:

--Fixed-gears are to canned domestic beer
--Cyclocross bikes are to Belgian beer
--Tri bikes are to POM juice
--All of the above




4) According to Core77, these pant cuff retainers are cool:

--True
--False




5) Which football (soccer) star is rocking/running a kickstand?

--Ronaldo
--Rolando
--Rondalo
--Mandala





6) According to the Power Cranks website, their product can help improve erectile function.

--True
--False



7) Step 1 in the Wired tutorial on how to stop a fixed-gear bicycle with no "breaks" is to "Find a Safe Place to Practice." As part of Step 1, the article warns, "Remember that it is next to impossible to 'anticipate' an emergency stop." So what is Step 2?

--Wear a Helmet
--Choose Your Braking Method
--Mount a Brake
--Anticipate Your Stops



8) "Hipster Cysts" are sooo 2008. For '09 it's all about:

--Duct tape-mounted Maglites
--Handlebar-mounted Menorahs
--Oil-burning lanterns
--Night vision goggles



***Special P-Far Bonus Question***

Why is this p-far rider spreading his legs?

--He's p-far freestyling
--He's p-far cyclocrossing and he just did a flying remount
--He overcooked the turn
--He's making the "leg V," a typical salute among members of Jules Verne's fan club in the 19th century

("Seal Chillin' Wednesday Style," by Erik K)

As I mentioned yesterday, I like when people pay attention to my blog. And when it comes to attention, there's nobody who pays more of it to my blog than the Opinionated Cyclist. Beloved by some, reviled by others, and ignored by all but a few, the OC is in a constant state of evolution. Having re-invented himself as a lip-sync act, he's no longer especially opinionated, nor does he really discuss cycling anymore. In that sense, he's outgrown his moniker, much in the way bands like Sonic Youth and Metallica have. (Sonic Youth haven't been "youthful" since the 80s, and Metallica haven't been "metal" since before Glenn Danzig autographed my ticket stub.) But this only makes the OC more compelling and enigmatic, as I'm sure you'll agree should you choose to watch this video, in which he performs Poison's "Unskinny Bop:"

It's worth pointing out that the OC's lack of celebrity is merely an accident of context and geography. If he were to relocate to Williamsburg, Brooklyn he'd become famous almost overnight. After all, he's slight of build, he makes lo-fi movies of himself, he rides an old crappy 10-speed, and he's obsessed with the worst cultural detritus of the 1980s. These are qualities that are highly prized among the hipsterim, and I have no doubt that he'd be hosting a monthly film festival, fronting a Britny Fox cover band, and on the cover New York Magazine within six months of signing the lease on his apartment in Bushwick East Williamsburg.

Moving on, I have some good news and some bad news with regard to The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (presented by the Gourmet Cheese of the Month Club). The bad news is that the Gourmet Cheese of the Month Club has withdrawn its support as a fictional presenting sponsor. As such, I've been forced to begin the hunt for new pretend support, and am currently in make-believe talks with Boston Whaler Boats--The Unsinkable Legend.

The good news is that the winner of The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (tentatively and fictionally presented by Boston Whaler Boats--The Unsinkable Legend) may receive yet another prize. That's right, in addition to:


The pie plate (but not the cravat);


The beer cozy and elk's tooth fun pack (courtesy of Stevil "Stevil" Kinevil of HTATBL and GWCTOH);

And the smock (if you want it);


...you may also receive a Fyxomatosis chainring, courtesy of Fyxomatosis!

Yep you read that right. (Or, if you can't read, whoever's reading this out loud to you read right.) The very bounty that Fyxomatosis put on my head can now be yours for parodying them! I don't know how it happened, but somehow this contest has collapsed under the weight of its own irony. All I do know is that Andy of Fyxomatosis is indeed serious. (He must like attention too.) I also know that the chainring is available in 130 and 144bcd (but not 135bcd, despite saying "brev" on it like a Campy ring does), that Andy is offering it completely of his own volition, and that it is perhaps the finest website-themed chainring money can buy--at least until I "drop" my own BSNYC/RTMS chainring, the "Vadrivetrain Dentata." (Ultra-rare 132bcd size only, choice of "raw" or "shaven" finish.)

At any rate, not only is this contest collapsing under the weight of its own irony, but I'm also collapsing under the stress of running a contest. (Frankly, I don't know how Fat Cyclist does it. And his contests are sincere to boot!) As such, I'm going to set a firm date for the contest's conclusion, and that date is very soon-ish. In the meantime, here are some more entries, which continue to come in from around the world:


This photo comes from none other than esteemed commenter Leroy, and is one in a touching series featuring a somewhat naive, Billy Mumphry-esque trainer making its way around New York City. Here we find it in Times Square. It's become very fashionable to speak negatively of the new Times Square, which since the Giuliani days has become "Disneyfied." Personally, I don't understand this. The only thing New York City lost when Times Square got cleaned up was yet another place to masturbate publicly, and there are still plenty of crappy areas in the five boroughs--trust me on that one. Then again, the old Times Square would have made an ideal backdrop for this photo, since it would have been easy to imagine the trainer getting pick-pocketed, or hustled by a con man, or being forced to spend the night in an X-rated movie theater due to lack of funds. Maybe the trainer would even be forced to turn tricks. I can see it taking a few bucks from a desperate roadie for some quick intervals in an alleyway or something. (In that case, the roadie would be more of a "Fred" than a "John.")


Speaking of hustling, here's another compelling shot from another reader. Note the secure locking job. This one's also part of a series:

As you can see, it's a series that goes horribly awry.

Moving from hams to gams, this photo is part of yet another sultry series called "Training to be a Fyxo Model:"

"Fresh Hot Cakes" indeed. Wisely, our model is training on a cyclocross bike before moving on to a track bike. Not only is this a smart bike choice for foul weather (it is winter after all), but the chainline shot is also a crucial one in track bike porn so it's a good idea to practice staring down one on a geared bike first. That way, you can vary the chainline to find your sexiest angle.

Here's another tasty dish, all the way from Italy:

Pros: wide-range cassette and quick-release seatpost clamp are decidedly un-tracky.
Cons: whole thing not slathered in marinara sauce.

Finally, here's a boudoir shot all the way from Romania:

The under-the-saddle shot is the up-the-skirt shot of bike porn.

However, when it comes to perversity, it doesn't get much more perverse than using a Chris King headset on a scooter:

This photo, forwarded by a reader, isn't even a submission for the Fyxomatosis contest, but if it were it would certainly be a contender for the grand prize. Certainly it's not uncommon to see bicycles on which one component is worth more than the rest of the bike. However, this is something else entirely. I'd actually like a wider shot of the room; I'm guessing he may also be using a King headset for his threadless doorknob setup.

Or maybe it does get more perverse. Another reader has sent me this:


I'm not sure what's going on here, but it appears to be some sort of amphibious 70s porno sex recumbent. I think this may have been a "collabo" between PPV and Boston Whaler. I'm not sure what's under that fairing, but I'm guessing it's not wearing pants.

Everybody wants attention. It's human nature. However, we all differ in the kind of attention we want. Personally, I don't like attention for attention's sake. That's why I don't celebrate my birthday, or write about my purchases, or dress outlandishly. (I do ride in a chicken suit, but I assure you that's simply a practical choice.) However, I freely admit I relish attention when it's paid to my blog. Unlike, say, being born, my blog is something in which I actually play an active role. So I was excited to learn that there's a new blog out there called "The Truth Hurts," because it talks a lot about mine.

Of course, if you're not me, you probably aren't particularly interested in reading about my blog. But I am me, and I plan to visit "The Truth Hurts" regularly, if only to read things like this:

For instance, bikesnob always complains about fixed gear riders and their lack of breaks. But why? We all know that us devout fixed gear riders hate brakes for one reason or another. Maybe he never took the time to learn to ride is bike properly. Or maybe he has a similar problem as some so called friends of mine, unable to grasp the concept of efficiently stopping without breaks.

Actually, I like to think I prefer brakes because I did learn to ride my bike properly. When you ride and race in all sorts of conditions you come to appreciate things like having as much control over your bike as possible and being able to apply stopping force to each wheel independently. Also, while I do "grasp the concept of efficiently stopping without breaks [sic]" I have yet to see it done. What I do see is people zig-zagging and fishtailing all over the place in order to do what you can accomplish with the flick of an index finger. I'm also not sure what's so efficient about using your tire as a brake pad. I was checking out the latest issue of Fixed magazine when I saw this:

"We have seen the light! Gone are the days of skidding through your Rubino's in a couple of weeks! Say nay to Gatorskins and their flimsy sidewalls! All hail the Conti Top Contact, which has two layers of Vectran anti puncture material and a large amount of rubber on the tread. Conti are so confident that if you get a puncture in the first year, they'll replace the tyre and tube, free of charge."

Hey, I'm all for durable tires (though I do get uncomfortable hailing something German), and there are certainly situations (like touring or commuting) when you want durability over performance. However, when you're using a tire on your track bike that weighs twice as much as a typical road tire just because you don't want to use a brake you're saying "I don't need to stop quickly or corner quickly." Part of being a smart cyclist is distributing weight as effectively as possible. If you want to go fast, put the extra 200 grams into a brake and a lever, not your tire. And if you want durability and couldn't care less about speed and performance, by all means use the heavy tire and the brake. That way the tire will last even longer. Using excessive amounts of rubber (or Vectran) instead of a brake is like using three condoms. If you need that much protection, maybe you should think about sleeping with someone else.

But mine isn't the only blog you can read about on "The Truth Hurts." You can also read about Prolly's:

Probablys blog is a little more interesting for several reasons. The main one being the simple fact that he posts a handful of pictures of riders doing tricks at spots that I used to frequent several years ago when I used to rollerblade.

Ah, I see. He's coming from a freestyle Rollerblading background. That would explain his firm grasp on bicycle performance.

But while "The Truth Hurts" and I may have different opinions when it comes to bikes (and to blogging) I like to think we both respect each-other. After all, a free exchange of ideas in which one party is clearly wrong is essential for the proliferation of intelligent discourse. And who could argue with this well-stated sentiment:

All of that being said, I simply want to offer a different approach then all of the previous bloggers. So I shall.

Alas, if only all bloggers felt this way. Despite the fact that "The Truth Hurts" seems to have it in for me to some degree (or perhaps because of it), I respect it vastly more than Robert Mackey's "The Climb," which you may remember from this past summer. Sadly, "The Climb" was a short-lived endeavor, probably because Mackey's interest in cycling was also short-lived. However, he's still out there. In fact, a reader informs me he was recently quoted in the Village Voice:

"A lot of those people almost ruined that experience for me," notes Robert Mackey, a writer for The New York Times website, referring to writing The Climb, a blogged account of his time riding much of the Tour de France route this summer as a novice cyclist. While the overwhelming number of comments were positive, Mackey found that a group of self-described "bike snobs" kept sparking dozens of "weird, angry" comments that he had to edit, including the bizarre contention that he had no "right" to do what he was doing, or even that he should hand over his bike to a poorer, more "worthy" cyclist—a demand made by the cyclist himself. It was a black-hole conversation, one that produced infinite heat and no light.

"It was an unbelievable experience—like editing graffiti," remembers Mackey. "It makes you feel awful about the world."

I was very pleased to read this for two reasons. The first reason is that, as I mentioned above, I like attention when it's paid to my blog. Yet despite the fact that I wrote about Mackey's blog repeatedly I never heard from him, nor did he make any mention of it. Could it be that, despite the fact that both "The Climb" and The New York Times website must have experienced an increase in visitors, they took no notice of my blog? Sure, I wasn't praising "The Climb," but I was bringing it to the attention of a number of cyclists and readers who might not have learned about it otherwise. And, amazing as it may seem, intelligent people actually do check things out for themselves and form their own opinions even after they read the negative opinions of others. Actually, sometimes they do it because they've read the negative opinions of others. I'm sure there were plenty of people who learned about "The Climb" here and then went and left some of those positive comments he mentions. You're welcome. Hey, even an angry email from him would have been nice. Well, I never got one, but finally in December I at least know he was aware of me.

The second reason I was pleased to read this is that I now know I was absolutely right about Mackey. Just like Mackey's approach to climbing the Tourmalet was to circumvent the path of pain and experience by buying a Cervelo, paying for coaching, and traveling to London for a custom insole, his approach to blogging was simply to delete any negative feedback he received like he was "editing graffiti." I'm not sure why some people have difficulty accepting the fact that some things can be painful--even the fun things, like cycling. Nor can some people accept the fact that just because you put yourself out there in public doesn't mean that everybody is going to like you. Yes, when you're eight years old you should expect to put on a show for your family in the living room without getting heckled. But once you're an adult you really should come to terms with the knowledge that when you put something out there for public consumption not everybody is going to like it--especially when that something is a blog about a really, really expensive bicycle trip. And hey, a blog without negative comments is like a 'cross race without barriers. Sure, they hurt to get over sometimes, but they're part of the experience and in the end they're part of what makes it fun. And calling someone a dilettante for spending too much money on a vacation is not a violation of their human rights.

One of my favorite things about cycling is that it can reward suffering with joy. Another thing I love about it is that it often rejects those who don't understand this. Cycling teaches you that there's such a thing as necessary suffering and such a thing as unnecessary suffering, and that sometimes a short cut is a dead end. I'm sorry the hardships Mackey encountered while cycling and blogging made him "feel awful about the world." If he'd looked at them differently, they would have made him love it.

If you commute by bicycle in New York City, it will interest you to know that Access-a-Ride vans continue to get into trouble. First, I witnessed one getting pulled over. Shortly thereafter, a reader witnessed an Access-a-Ride van being rear-ended by an Access-a-Ride car. Then, just this morning, I saw this:


I don't know what happened, but it must have been serious because an Access-a-Ride supervisor arrived on the scene moments later:

I have to admit that I found the pretense that Access-a-Ride drivers are actually under supervision kind of charming, though I was disturbed by the presence of the ambulance since I don't like it when people get hurt. (At least physically.) At first I assumed the Access-a-Ride driver had hit somebody, but then I noticed that the driver was neither in his van nor in the police car, so I'm now going with the theory that the driver overdosed on whatever drug all these guys are taking and needed to be hospitalized. As such, I'm going to wish him a speedy detoxification and recovery. With any luck, he'll be well enough to kill again soon.
And while Access-a-Ride may be the "bad boys" of public transportation, Rock Racing are surely the "bad boys" of the pro bike racing circuit. However, it's possible that their days of ectoplasm-hued rebellion may be numbered, for yesterday I saw this:


Alarmed, I immediately made the Twitter rounds to see if there was any more info, and my first stop was Rock Racing's own feed:


While it does say they will "continue to race in 2009," it doesn't say who will be racing, or what races they'll be doing, or even what they'll race. For all we know Rock Racing is planning to become America's baddest competitive pigeon squad next year. And while a bunch of pigeons in neon-green lycra may be just the kind of shake-up that the American Racing Pigeon Union needs, it ain't bike racing, and that's what we all care about.
Thinking perhaps some pro riders were talking, my next stop was Lance Armstrong's Twitter, but all I learned was that he's been eating huge food and undergoing relentless drug-testing:


Incidentally, as of last Friday Armstrong had been tested once every 8.6 days since announcing his comeback, which put the Lance Armstrong Drug Test Index (LADTI) at 8.6. But with yesterday's test, the LADTI has dropped to 8.2. At this rate, the LADTI will be at 0 by the time the 2009 Tour de France starts and he'll be forced to race in one of those stillsuits from "Dune" so that he can be kept in a constant state of urinalysis.

Next I checked in with George Hincapie:

I found Hincapie to be loving life. Moreover, he was obviously either unaware of or unconcerned with the possible fate of Rock Racing. I'm not sure if the "hot stone massage" means he was being pelted with hot stones, or if he was simply getting stoned and having a massage in the sauna. If the former, I suppose he's developed a fondness for that sort of thing after his many crashes in Paris-Roubaix. If the latter, it's lucky for him that he's evidently not subject to the same level of testing as Armstrong. I do hope Hincapie is as forthcoming as Armstrong in that regard, though, because I'd be very interested to know the GHDTI as well.

Obviously I wasn't going to learn anything about Rock Racing from Hincapie, so I figured maybe Dave Zabriskie, the peloton's most ironic rider, might have something to say:

Well, true to form, Zabriskie was slinging plenty of irony (it doesn't get more ironic than listening to "Oliver!"), but he wasn't dishing out any dirt on Rock Racing. I was intrigued by his egg nog reference, though. Does he mean that he got some bad egg nog, then went to Chipotle? Or is he saying that they have bad egg nog at Chipotle? In either case, though, egg nog is surely the most ironic of the nogs, and it's definitely orders of magnitude more ironic than "traditionally" ironic beverages like Pabst. I bet he even had an ironic egg nog moustache after he drank it.

It was beginning to dawn on me that I was wrong to be focussing on the older riders. (Even Zabriskie is pushing 30). The truth is, they're too complacent to care about their Rock Racing brethren. Instead, they're wallowing around bloated on success, face-sized burritos, hot stone massages, and egg nog. No, I had to see what the younger generation had to say. So I checked in with Taylor Phinney:

Taylor's youthful energy was clearly boundless, and I found him to be alternately "chillin" and "slaying" with abandon. (Old people "rock" and "run;" young people "chill" and "slay.") But not even Taylor had anything to say about the possible demise of Rock Racing.

At this point I was despondent. Sure, I've been critical of Rock Racing. Sure, I've poked fun at Michael Ball. I suppose in my darkest moments I've even hoped for the demise of the team. But now that it's a possibility, I find I don't want it to happen. Not this way. Darn it, even if their style is more UFC than UCI I've grown attached to Ball and his pack of freaks. In fact, the possibility of their disappearance makes me so sad that I've created a Rock Racing Virtual Nostalgia Kit:

The BSNYC/RTMS Rock Racing Virtual Nostalgia Kit:

Step 1: Launch this video, pause, and lower the volume all the way.

Step 2: In a new window, launch this video. Make sure the volume is high, play video, and then minimize the window.

Step 3: Return to the video in Step 1. Press play, watch with the new soundtrack, and commence uncontrollable sobbing.

I dare you not to be moved.

Regardless of what happens to Rock Racing though, it's clear they're going to have to change their approach. After all, we're in a recession now. Bling has blung. Austerity is the new chic, and even Michael Ball is going to have to fall in line. The first thing he should do is re-evaluate his equipment choice. Last year, Rock Racing rode De Rosa King 3s. Not only that, but they actually paid for many of the bikes themselves. And that's a lot of money. (Sure, they may be moving on to Fuji next year, but who knows what that sponsorship entails, or if it's still even on offer. Even Fugis might be too expensive given the tough economic climate.) To determine how much Rock Racing may have actually spent on bicycles this past year, I built up a similarly-equipped De Rosa King 3 on Wrenchscience:



Though I was forced to make some different component choices due to availability, you'll note that a De Rosa King 3 even more conservatively-equipped than the Rock Racing bike costs over $8,000:


That's why Michael Ball and Rock Racing should seriously consider competing on Bikesdirect bicycles next year. My personal recommendation is the Windsor Falkirk with Ultegra SL:



At $895.95, that's only $21,502.80 to supply a 24-man squad. $21,502.80 won't even buy three DeRosas! And with that kind of savings, you can even outfit the whole team with training bikes, too. Of course, we are in a recession, so giving each rider his own training bike might be a bit extravagant. That's why I recommend this tandem frame from Chucksbikes:


That's 24 riders, two riders per frame, for a total cost of $4,200. Not only is it cost-effective, but it's also a team-building exercise, and it's way cheaper than sending the whole team to Tenerife to go surfing or something. Because at the end of the day, it's all about racing bikes. And for 2009, frugality is the new extravagance.

(via 407fixedgear.com)

A wise man once said, "Judge not lest ye be judged."  That man, of course, was Jamie Farr.  The message and the medium may have changed over the years, but the meaning is essentially the same.  No longer are sermons delivered on mounts; instead, they are spelled out on rims.  And, as you can see above, they are sometimes even written in tape on the sides of rental trucks.  (At least this seems to be the case in Florida, or as it is more colloquially known, "America's Teat.")  Still, both are essentially variations of the Golden Rule, and it's as relevant now as it was way back in Jamie Farr's time.  For verily, Farr also said, "Let he who is without love suck the first ball."
But it's not always possible to live up to the high ethical standards of our forebears, especially when there is so much to hate, and particularly when so much of it can be found on Craigslist.  Just a few items that are nearly enough to drive one to disregard even the deplorable prospect of ball-sucking include:

GT/ gtb Track Bike - $700 (Williamsburg)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-12-09, 5:37PM EST

57cm Aluminum GT Track Bike with suzue flip flop free wheel/fixed gear hub, spin front wheel, campy record head set. This bike is no longer made. Collectors item.
steve
917-676-[deleted]
Just because something is no longer made does not necessarily mean it is a "collectors item."  After all, the GTB was just another inexpensive, entry-level track bike of Taiwanese manufacture.  But I suppose it's not surprising that people are willing to pay top dollar for them, since when they do so they're not paying for the craftsmanship or the quality; instead, they're paying for the impression they've been riding a track bike for ten years.  Why pay half as much for a bike of equal quality when everyone will know you've only had it for a few weeks?  (Or even the same price for the new version, which has already been de-trackified at the factory?)  When you think about it, a few hundred dollars is nothing to pay for the illusion of authenticity.



2008 Fugi Track - 43cm - $600 (Brooklyn)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-12-14, 9:10PM EST

This is a Brand New fixie. I bought the bike, rode it home, and then proceeded to break a bone soon after and have not been able to ride it since. It is an awesome ride and a really hard find for smaller riders. It is a 43cm frame - good for those of us that are between 5'-5'3". I had them install a brake, which I'm not including in the price. It is a very smooth ride and brand spankin'.

But while it's sad that people are over-paying for used bikes so they look like they've been riding for longer than they have, it's also sad when they buy a new bike, crash almost immediately, and then try to sell it for more than the MSRP.  Also, the fact that the rider has broken a bone is a clue that perhaps this bike might have been involved in some kind of crash.  I'd advise this rider to keep the bike, wait to heal, and start riding again.  Not only do I hate to see someone discouraged so easily, but if Fuji stops making this bike it will no doubt become a "collectors item."


yo riderz im sellin my wip - $700 (brooklyn )
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-12-15, 2:32AM EST

Front end of my bike
Gsport hub black 7ka rim shadow spokes
Odd director fork just bought it wit box reciet nd warrenty all dat gud stuff
bar north west fit
Profile stem
Mirraco frame 20.5 mirra cranks 3 piece vinnie sprocket colony seat animal wedge seat post odd pc pedalz kmc thick chain nd raer weel odd hazard primo spokes nd lhd primo hub still have reciet no brakes
Aim sherif11217
Number 1646 922 [deleted]
Yo I want like 650 nego
Ill send u picz if u want I can't put dem up cuz im on my sk postin diz
This is truly a remarkable post.  At first I thought it was written in some sort of code, but after reading it a few times I realized it was actually Middle English.  Note the archaic spellings of "wip," "warrenty," and "raer."  Also, he wants "like 650 nego."  Since the nego was a unit of English currency worth about three to the farthing, we can determine that the seller is asking for roughly two groat, one quarter ryal, and ha'penny, which in modern-day US$ is approximately sixteen cents.  Also, the last line of the post means that he can't attach photos because he wants to maintain the ad's period-correct feel, so instead he will post etchings in the town square in a fourtenight's time, God be praised.
Speaking of being judgmental, it's going to be extremely difficult to judge the winner of The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (presented by the Gourmet Cheese of the Month Club), because the submissions I've received to date have been nothing short of spectacular.  Here are just a few random highlights so far:


I don't know what this ambiguously-sexed person is about to do, or why (s)he has a crank puller wedged into the vent of his/her helmet, or, perhaps most distressingly, why his/her bibs are down.  I can only imagine something very strange is about to happen, and that the wheel is about to lose its pie plate, or its virginity, or perhaps both.  I also can't help but wonder if this photo was taken at S.P.I.N. (Super Power Inclusion Night) at the Derailer Bicycle Collective in Denver, because it wouldn't surprise me in the least if this model regularly finds shimself among those "excluded by the patriarchy of bike culture and bike shops because of their gender identity."  By the way, the contestant has also provided a sepia-toned, safe-for-work version:



Slightly more artsy, but no less disturbing.

Here's another seductive submission, which I like to call the "Sex Rotor:"

I bet those sliding dropouts aren't the only things that go both ways.  
And if those sliders aren't taking the slack out of your chain, perhaps this sepia-toned forkfest will:

This one comes via frequent commenter Urchin, and it very well may be the most sexually explicit photograph ever taken of bicycle componentry.   Note that the Salsa, head turned in ecstasy, is wearing a computer sensor, which is doubtless there to measure TPM (Thrusts Per Minute).  Note also the top fork, which gives new meaning to the phrase "canti stud."  I just hope they're using plenty of anti-seize.  

Too dirty for you?  How about something "cleaner?" 

Yep, it's a Surly 1x1 in the shower.  Steamy stuff indeed:


Now that puts the "Oy!" in "voyeur."  Those better be sealed bearings; the shower's no place for loose balls.
By the way, it seems that porn has officially joined hooded sweatshirts and flat-brim baseball hats in becoming something that is now inextricably intertwined with cycling despite not being particularly well-suited to it.  Indeed, the people at Knog (makers of the "hipster cyst," as well as the Love/Hate knuckle tattoo glove) inform me that they now offer "porno patches:"


They must have read that flat-fix story in Bust magazine.

First of all, I want to thank everyone who's sent in submissions for The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (presented by the Gourmet Cheese of the Month Club) so far.  The response has been overwhelming (and by "overwhelming" I mean perverse and occasionally nauseating) and I am looking forward to sharing some of them with you next week.
Secondly, in the spirit of reciprocity, I am punishing you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and then click on your answer.  If you're right you'll see either the item or confirmation that you were correct.  If you're wrong, you'll see what we'll all be wearing in the post-Apocalyptic future.
Have a great weekend, and ride safe.  See you Monday.

--BSNYC/RTMS



1) This video short film, "Perspective Line," (which goes great with the full-length version of Smash Mouth's "All Star," by the way) represents:
--A high water mark of fixed-gear pretentiousness--The greatest accomplishment in fixed-gear movie-making to date--Fixed-gear freestyling of the mind--A Charlie Kaufman/Council of Doom "collabo"



2) Why has the protagonist of "Perspective Line" dropped to his knees?
--He's lost a contact lens--He's leaving a rock metaphor in the middle of the Bonneville Salt Flats--He's burying the 17-tooth Phil Wood cog he just used to murder someone--He's praying fervently for a plot


3) These are NYC food delivery bikes:
--True--False



4) This video, "Fixie Life" by the Fixies, is significant because:
--The Fixies may be the new Beastie Boys--The Fixies may be the new Monkees--The Fixies may have made the first-ever fixed-gear video in which the soundtrack is actually appropriate for the video--The Fixies may be on PCP


5) What is this rider doing?
--Testing out his Chris King sealed bearing hubs--Testing out his Chris King sealed bottom bracket--Testing out the sipes on his Schwalbe tires--Making a puzzling line choice given there's both a bridge and a trail immediately to his right

6) Why should this reader not worry so much?
--Children don't look up to pro road cyclists anyway--They should probably all be wearing helmets but they're professionals and adults who can make their own decisions--The only helmetless rider visible is Jonathan Vaughters, and they don't really need him anyway--All of the above


7) According to Lance Armstrong's twitter, he was tested for performance-enhancing drugs yet again yesterday.  This means that, since officially announcing his comeback, Armstrong has been tested:
--Every 8.6 weeks--Every 8.6 days--Every 8.6 hours--Every 8th time he urinates


8) Rock Racing has just become:
--The world's cheesiest club team--A UCI ProTour team for 2009--The subject of a new reality show on Bravo--Unisex

Well, I continue to receive entries for The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (presented by the Gourmet Cheese of the Month Club), and the contestants continue to outdo themselves. Of course, things did get a bit bawdy yesterday, so (with one exception) I'm going to wait a bit before sharing them with you. Just consider it a refractory period. However, there are two important things I do need to mention with regard to the contest.

Firstly, Stevil Kinevil of HTATBL (as well as GWCTOH as of late) has generously offered to "sweeten the pot":

That's right. In addition to the pie plate (and the smock, if you want it, but not the Rapha cravat, because I need it to pick up gross stuff like pie plates and dead mice) he'll also give the winner a beer cozy and a lucky elk tooth:



Please know that Stevil has offered to do this completely of his own volition, and I was deeply moved by his generosity since I'm sure these objects are very dear to him. So, just to recap, if you win you'll get: 1) a pie plate; 2) a dirty beer cozy; 3) a nasty animal tooth; and 4) a BSNYC/RTMS smock (which is really more of a booby prize).

Secondly, while I'm holding off on sharing the latest entries, I did mention there was one exception, and this is it:

Sure, I know I said I was taking a break from bawdy, but there's nothing "dirty" or "shameful" about the act of love when it's rendered artistically as it is here. You may have noticed that this image has been entirely created using that Pedalmafia bike builder thing. To be able to create such moving artwork with such a limited palette is nothing short of miraculous. It's like Jesus multiplying the loaves and the fishes, or like that Hanukkah lamp oil lasting eight days, or like Michael Ball somehow wringing a few more years out of a bunch of washed-up riders. Also, it uses hipster cysts for the pants yabbies. Truly inspirational. This person could very well have clicked and dragged his way to a free animal tooth.

Moving on, yesterday a reader asked an important question in the comments section:

I realize a properly adjusted der shouldn't drop a chain into the spokes, but it can be a fairly costly mistake when it happens. It seems you appreciate the value of clutter like brakes and bar tape, so why are pie plates such a no-no?

Note: earnest question, no criticism or irony intended.

Well, the answer is almost painfully simple, but then again the best questions are often the simplest ones and I feel it's worth answering. After all, this question made me think a lot about necessity, and the answer is that brakes and bar tape (or grips) are necessary, but pie plates are not.

Yes, plenty of people now ride around without brakes or any form of grip, but I maintain they're still necessary. If you want to get the most out of your bike, you'll use both of these things. (I've explored how brakes actually make you faster in the past.) More importantly, you use them while you're riding. The pie plate, on the other hand, just sits there idly waiting for something extremely unlikely to happen. In fact, chances are very good that this unlikely thing may never happen at all. In one way the pie plate is like a person sitting alone on top of a hill, night after night for years on end, waiting for a bunch of probe-wielding aliens to arrive in a spaceship. And in another way, it's like the person with a bomb shelter in his basement filled with a 20-year supply of water and canned tuna. And in both cases, they're so preoccupied with what might happen that they neglect their daily lives. (Like the pie-plated rider with a decrepit, rusty drivetrain and a derailleur that hasn't moved since "Risky Business" came out.)

After all, there are plenty of other things that can happen on the bike for which we don't make provisions. For example, it's not uncommon for your bars to rotate forward if you hit a nasty bump. This can be dangerous, especially during a race. Should you then put some sort of redundant device on your bicycle that further secures the bars in the event the stem clamp alone is not sufficient, like some sort of brace between the bottom of the brake levers and the headtube? Absolutely not. Instead, you should use a well-designed stem, tighten it sufficiently, and avoid dangerous road hazards--just as you should make sure your derailleur is adjusted properly.

And this is what is most insidious about the pie plate. It is a symbol of our lack of personal responsibility as a society, a giant plastic disc shouting "Save me, for I cannot save myself!" And unlike its frontal counterpart the "lawyer lip" it does not even have the decency to hide itself. Indeed, probably the last time a pie plate was even remotely necessary was when this photo of Fausto Coppi (forwarded to me by a reader) was taken:

You'll notice that Coppi is running ("rocking" hadn't been invented yet) a Campagnolo rod shifter here. Given that shifting with one of these was probably like trying to dial a cell phone with a pool noodle, the pie plate was certainly warranted. But those days are behind us now. By the way, Coppi died of malaria too, and you're probably about as likely to contract malaria while out on your ride as you are to shift your derailleur into your spokes.

But I suppose people have different ideas of what's necessary. Personally, I feel that fenders are necessary (for everyday bikes, not for race bikes), but plenty of people go without them. In fact, you're about as likely to see a fully-fendered bicycle in New York City as you are a pie plate on a fixed-gear. (This excludes old three-speeds, which pretty much always have fenders and which cling to New York City streetsigns like moss to trees.) And I'm not just talking about bikes that don't have the necessary eyelets or frame clearances for fenders. I'm talking about bikes with cantis and gaping, yawning spaces between the tires and stays that are inexplicably ridden in the rain with no protection whatsoever. And it's not like these people aren't putting other stuff on these bikes, either. Some of these bikes not only have bar-ends, but their bar-ends have bar-ends. I guess it's just because people only think about getting fenders when it rains, and by then they're already wet so they figure, "Why bother?". Still, when I see someone commuting in a downpour on a touring bike with a pie plate and no fenders it makes me want to weep.

Even more perplexing are people who ride without fenders in the city are people who ride with suspension. Another commenter from yesterday wrote:

Get over the fixed gear bashing. There's twice as many Mountain bike riders on the streets of SF than roadies and fixed combined. Don't hear you talking shit about these goof balls with their $600 front shox to absorb the occasional MUNI track.

My guess is that your ironic Orange Julius bike is in fact a custom Stumpjumper and you wouldn't know a single track from a heart attack.

Stump on, Snobby!

You still see this sort of behavior sometimes in New York City, but it's not nearly as common as it used to be. However, during the (first) heyday of purple anodized CNC componentry, customized mountain bikes that never saw dirt were common on the streets of New York City in much the same way that custom track bikes that have never seen a velodrome are common today. Similarly, just like owners of high-end track bikes now like to say, "Yeah, I really want to get out to the track but I just don't have time," owners of high-end cross-country bikes then would say, "Yeah, I really want to get out to some trails but I just don't have time." While these excuses might seem flimsy, I maintain they're quite valid. Hunting for that vintage Italian stem (or that purple anodized peace sign canti straddle wire hanger) can be extremely time-consuming.

In response to the aforementioned comment, Kale replied:

SF Riding:

Having lived in both places I can attest to the superior ability of the mtb in SF/BA. That aside, it's been pretty much impossible until the recent SSMTB trend to get a new mtb without 100mm or more squish stock, and if you want to put a (Surly/Kona) aftermarket or recycled solid, that's way above most people's ability (not to mention fixing a flat). However, the few, if any, mtbs in NYC are ridden by the hardest working Thai delivery people in the world. Those Schwinns, Iron Horses, and Pacifics are the only fully squish you'll see, they're definitely goof balls, and they outnumber roadies and fixters by at least 3 orders of magnitude.

I was glad to see Kale mention the mountain bike-riding food delivery person. Like any group of working cyclists, there's the rank-and-file, and then there's the elite. This is what the elite food delivery people in NYC ride:

Note the fenders, which are always mounted extra-high to accommodate suspension travel that isn't there. Note also the color-coordinated full frame-taping job, the skewers secured with hose clamps, and the downward-tilted saddle, which are also typical. (The saddle angle not only allows for easy mounts and dismounts when the rider is loaded down with six bags of food, but also allows some seatpost to remain exposed for aesthetic reasons, since these riders are often short of stature and generally use bikes that are at least two sizes too big for them. Perhaps most importantly, with that giant fender sticking out back there the only way off the bike is to slide off the front of the saddle.) Sometimes you'll even see road cranks used, which is the case here. These people do indeed work hard, in all weather, and they make absolutely no distinction between the street and the sidewalk.

Sadly, the days of the hardcore MTB-riding food delivery person may be numbered, because in the trendy parts of Brooklyn at least the "fixters" have begun taking their jobs. (I guess they're not content to just take their apartments.) So now when you order from restaurants in Williamsburg or Prospect Heights your food may very well be brought to you by someone with a degree from RISD who's riding an NJS track bike. Not that there's anything wrong with that, though I doubt the Honduran immigrants are getting their graphic arts jobs in return.

In the end, though, component choice all boils down to "Style Vs. Safety"--at least according to this Google Knol. The author makes some compelling points here, such as this one: "A brake is basically a training wheel – a crutch. When you have a fixed gear bike, the mere technology allows you to stop without one. A non-fixed bike doesn’t have this luxury. It NEEDS a brake to stop in any manner. But we’re not talking about non fixies. "

What about fenders? Are they crutches too?

No sooner did I announce The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (presented by the Gourmet Cheese of the Month Club) than the submissions began to roll in. You'll note that I didn't put forth much in the way of rules, since mixing "rules" and "art" is like mixing Shimano and Campy and I didn't want to inhibit anyone's creativity. Unfortunately though, I should have at least specified "no testicles," because one of the first photographs I received was this:

After burning my monitor and purchasing a new one I sent the contestant a sternly-worded email, though I did offer him a second chance and I'm pleased to say he redeemed himself:


This is infinitely more tasteful and a solid effort. The singlespeed mountain bike is the track bike's dirtier, uglier second cousin (just as the clear chainring guard is the pie plate's chunkier and only slightly less dorky half-brother), and the Foster's can represents Fyxomatosis. Note also the placement of the Foster's (or, as they call it in Australia, "breakfast), which as you can see has been "kicked to the curb" (or, as they call it in Australia, the "kerb"). He's even managed to slip in an Obama spoke card and a Pentabike sock. But perhaps most importantly, no testicles are in evidence. (Or, as they call them in Australia, "pants yabbies.")

Here's another salacious submission:

It's becoming increasingly clear to me that I've opened a Pandora's can of worms with this contest. I refuse to make any cheap comments about the track ends and "rear entry," though I do reserve the right to gloat about my refusal, and I maintain that alluding to a tasteless comment is different from actually making it. (Saying you haven't done something even when you just did it is called an "Australian denial.") I also think it's worth pointing out that any spouse or significant other walking in on this photo shoot would very quickly get the wrong idea, so I want to state unequivocally that this site shall not be responsible for any domestic disputes resulting in putting underpants on bicycles. (Or, as they call putting underpants on bicycles in Australia, "Saturday night.")

Finally, speaking of mountain bikes, pie plates, and extreme naughtiness, it just so happens that even before I announced the Fyxomatosis contest a reader sent me this photo involving a pie-plated mountain bike:

Because the original photo is highly unsafe for work, notice I have dressed the model in colors that match her bicycle. (She already had the gloves and shoes.) Notice also that I have not made any tasteless jokes about "exposed pie plates." (That's another "Australian denial.") If you want to see the original and you are either not at work or you work in the sort of place where it's perfectly acceptable to look at explicit pornography (like Starbucks corporate headquarters, or the Parliament of Australia, or any company in France), it's (here). If you can't look but you're still curious, I'll just tell you she's pretty much doing what most fixed-gear freestylers do, which is climbing all over the bike without actually riding it.

Yes, fixed-gear freestyling can sometimes be a fashion show. Literally. Just take a look at this video:

Naturally I immediately performed the BSNYC/RTMS Fixed-Gear Video Test on this. While the Celine Dion music didn't match up too well, this did. In fact, I think in Smash Mouth's "All Star" I may very well have found the perfect fixed-gear video soundtrack. It works with absolutely everything. I'm not sure why this is, but I suppose it has something to do with the fact that it's cartoonish, irritating, and massively overplayed, with just a hint of contrived "edginess." Celine's great for the videos with high production values, but she's just a little too schmaltzy for the "grittier" stuff.

In addition to discovering the perfect fixed-gear video soundtrack, I think I may also have discovered the missing link between the fixed-gear trend and the p-far trend. And that link is the elephant trunk skid:

I don't know why I didn't notice this sooner, but it's obvious to me now that the elephant trunk skid is simply a subconscious attempt to mimic the penny-farthing riding style:

(Fixters look up to p-fars. Way up.)

I can only surmise that there must be something in the DNA of certain riders that compels them to clamber up atop the front wheel in this matter, and I also suspect that many of them will never be satisfied until they own actual p-fars. Until they do, they will continue to compulsively straddle their Aerospokes and Hed tri-spokes and Spinergy Rev-Xes in the same way that Richard Dreyfuss couldn't stop himself from sculpting that mountain in "Close Encounters of the Third Kind."

But while K.O.P.S. isn't for everyone, neither is C.O.P.S. ("Crotch Over Pedal Spindle," the p-far fitting rule of thumb). I was thumbing through the New York Times Style Magazine (don't ask me how these awful things find their way into my bathroom) when I noticed this:

Yes, it's an essential bit of journalism about some sockless rich guy and all his expensive crap. Notice that like many sockless rich guys with expensive crap, he has a relatively inexpensive and useless bicycle:

“He describes his Electra Townie 21-speed (around $500) as a beach cruiser on steroids. ‘The pedals are positioned slightly forward, so you can ride forever and not get tired.’”

Wow, that's not just misinformation--it's misinformation on steroids. If positioning your feet slightly forward on a bicycle meant you could ride forever without getting tired then recumbents would be perpetual motion machines. (As it is, they're just perpetual embarrassment machines.) Granted, I have no recumbent riding experience, but I'm fairly certain they tire you out eventually. Then again, I could be wrong. Maybe some of these guys have been riding around for years, stopping only to feed themselves at drive-thru fast food restaurants. (That could explain while they all have beards and ample midriffs.)

Lastly, I'd like to announce that I'm about to "drop" a "collabo." Many of you probably saw this coming, and I can now confirm that the rumors are true and I'm finally about to release my own line of paper towels:

As you can see, I've been test-marketing them in Brazil, where they've been a smashing success. Not only are they highly absorbent, but in a pinch you can use them to make yarmulkes. I'm also looking for the perfect pitch person, preferably a pro rider famous for crashing a lot. I'm currently in talks with Cadel Evans. "When I take a spill on the bike, I drop back to the team car. But when I spill my Foster's, I reach for a roll of Snob." Cadel will tell you he's not considering it, but that's just an Australian denial.

I awoke this morning from dreams of dancing Modolo Morphos shifters and fauns playing delightful tunes in the Swiss alps on flutes made from BMC carbon nanotubes only to make a horrible discovery. It appears that the website Fyxomatosis has placed some kind of fatwa on me. (Or, since it is a fixed-gear website, I guess it's more like a fixtwa.)

Alas, I should have known it